=head1 NAME

religion

=head1 SYNOPSIS

Trust me.

=head1 DESCRIPTION

L<religion> is indescribable and illogical but trust me it's
absolutely true. Pay me.

    I have an apology to make
    I'm afraid I've made a big mistake
    I turned my face away from you, Lord

    I was too blind to see the light
    I was too meek to feel Your might
    I closed my eyes; I couldn't see the truth, Lord

    But then like Saul on the Damascus road,
    You sent a messenger to me, and so
    Now I've have had the truth revealed to me
    Please forgive me all those things I said
    I'll no longer betray you, Lord
    I will pray to you instead

    And I will say thank you, thank you
    Thank you, God
    Thank you, thank you
    Thank you, God
    Thank you, God

    Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum
    I had no idea, but it's suddenly so clear now
    I feel such a cynic, how could I have been so wrong?
    Thank you for displaying how praying works:
    A particular prayer in a particular church
    Thank you Sam for the chance to acknowledge this
    Omnipotent ophthalmologist

    Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum
    I didn't realise that it was so simple
    But you've shown a great example of just how it can be done
    You only need to pray in a particular spot
    To a particular version of a particular god,
    And if you pull that off without a hitch,
    He will fix one eye of one middle-class white bitch

    I know in the past my outlook has been limited
    I couldn't see examples of where life had been definitive
    But I can admit it when the evidence is clear,
    As clear as Sam's mum's new cornea
    (And that's extremely clear!)

    Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum
    I have to admit that in the past I have been skeptical
    But Sam described this miracle and I am overcome!
    How fitting that the sighting of a sight-based intervention
    Should open my eyes to this exciting new dimension
    It's like someone put an eye chart up in front of me
    And the top five letters say: I C G O D

    Thank you, Sam, for showing how my point of view has been so flawed
    I assumed there was no God at all but now I see that's cynical
    It's simply that his interests aren't particularly broad
    He's largely undiverted by the starving masses,
    Or the inequality between the various classes
    He gives out strictly limited passes,
    Redeemable for surgery or two-for-one glasses

    I feel so shocking for historically mocking
    Yet your interests are clearly confined to the ocular
    I bet given the chance, you'd eschew the divine
    And start a little business selling contacts online

    Fuck me Sam, what are the odds
    That of history's endless parade of gods
    That the God you just happened to be taught to believe in
    Is the actual God and he digs on healing,
    But not the AIDS-ridden African nations
    Nor the victims of the plague, nor the flood-addled Asians,
    But healthy, privately-insured Australians
    With common and curable lens degeneration

    The story of Sam's has but a single explanation:
    A surgical God who digs on magic operations
    No, it couldn't be mistaken attribution of causation
    Born of a coincidental temporal correlation
    Exacerbated by a general lack of education
    Vis-a-vis physics in Sam's parish congregation
    No it couldn't be that all these pious people are liars
    It couldn't be an artifact of confirmation bias
    A product of groupthink,
    A mass delusion,
    An Emperor's New Clothes-style fear of exclusion

    No, it's more likely to be an all-powerful magician
    Than the misdiagnosis of the initial condition,
    Or one of many cases of spontaneous remission,
    Or a record-keeping glitch by the local physician

    No, the only explanation for Sam's mum's seeing:
    They prayed to an all-knowing superbeing,
    To the omnipresent master of the universe,
    And he liked the sound of their muttered verse

    So for a bit of a change from his usual stunt
    Of being a sexist, racist, murderous cunt
    He popped down to Dandenong and just like that
    Used his powers to heal the cataracts of Sam's mum
    Of Sam's mum
    Of Sam's mum

    Thank you God for fixing the cataracts of Sam's mum!
    I didn't realise that it was such a simple thing
    I feel such a dingaling, what ignorant scum!

    Now I understand how prayer can work:
    A particular prayer in a particular church
    In a particular style with the particular stuff
    And for particular problems that aren't particularly tough,
    And for particular people (preferably white)
    And for particular senses (preferably sight)
    A particular prayer in a particular spot
    To a particular version of a particular god
    And if you get that right, he just might
    Take a break from giving babies malaria
    And pop down to your local area
    To fix the cataracts of your mum!

    It's a miracle!

=head1 WHAT?

I am that I Am.

Worship me.

Or Else.

=head1 WHAT THE FUCK?

Worship me. I'm the best. The One True God. Trust Me. I'm nice.

=cut

