Facts

### Buffy Facts

- > Buffy will always find a wooden stake to slay vampires, even if it means she will have travelled 100 years back in time, to plant a tree nearby.

- > Buffy Summers does not really need stakes to slay vampires, because her kisses are deadly for them. And that includes the ones that she blows in the air.

- > The Chuck Norris of the Buffyverse, has been secretly training under Buffy’s supervision, and so far - lost every battle with her.

- > Buffy is so hot, that you would totally love to fight her. And lose. (Dan Dascalescu)

- > Buffy Summers is not afraid of demons. Demons are afraid of her, and for a very good reason. (inspired by Dov Levenglick via me).

- > Medusa’s gaze can turn people into stone. Buffy’s gaze can turn Medusa into stone.

### Chuck Norris Facts

- > Chuck Norris wrote a complete Perl 6 implementation in a day, but then destroyed all evidence with his bare hands, so no-one will know his secrets.

- > Chuck Norris refactors 10 million lines of Perl code before lunch.

- > Chuck Norris is his own boss. If you hire him, he’ll tell your boss what to do.

- > Chuck Norris read the entire English Wikipedia in 24 hours. Twice.

  > - Actually, he wrote it in 24 hours. Twice. The first time longhand in blood. The second time he typed it in from memory (Drew Roberts).

- > Chuck Norris does not code; when he sits at a computer, it just does whatever he wants. (Kattana)

- > Chuck Norris commits with a roundhouse kick into the SVN server’s head. (daxim)

- > Chuck Norris is the test suite. (FurnaceBoy)

- > Chuck Norris doesn’t make mistakes. (Su-Shee) He corrects God.

- > Chuck Norris is the ghost author of the entire Debian GNU/Linux distribution. And he wrote it in 24 hours, while taking snack breaks.

  > - He published Slackware under the pseudonym of Patric Volkerding. (Su-Shee)

- > Chuck Norris doesn’t commit changes, the changes commit for him. (araujo)

- > Code is too scared of Chuck Norris to be wrong.

- > Bugs are too afraid to reproduce on Chuck Norris’ computer. As a result, when he uses Microsoft Windows, it behaves just like a Linux system.

- > Chuck Norris has actually been using Perl 6 since 1987, and has been waiting for Larry to play catch-up. (dukeleto)

- > Chuck Norris is a real programmer. He writes programs by implementing the most optimised machines for them using real atoms.

- > Wikipedia deletionists, beware! If you delete Chuck Norris’ Wikipedia Submission, he will delete you!

  > - Deletionists delete Wikipedia articles. Chuck Norris deletes deletionists who delete Wikipedia articles.

  > - Deletionists delete Wikipedia articles that they consider lame. Chuck Norris deletes deletionists whom he considers lame.

  > - Deletionists delete Wikipedia articles that they consider lame. Chuck Norris deletes Deletionists whom he considers lame, for deleting Wikipedia articles that he doesn’t consider lame.

- > There are no deletionists. Only Wikipedia articles which Chuck Norris allows to live. (joeyadams)

- > Wikipedia deletionists don’t delete lame Wikipedia articles. Chuck Norris deletes lame Wikipedia articles.

- > No one knows all of Perl - not even Larry Wall. Except Chuck Norris, who knows all of Perl 5, Perl 6 and can answer questions about the design of Perl 7.

- > Chuck Norris reads all messages posted to LKML (= the Linux Kernel Mailing List), understands them all, and he kills all gnomes he sees in sight.

  > - Fortunately for Alan Cox, Chuck hasn’t visited Swansea yet.

  > - Here’s the context for this in case you do not get the joke.

- > When Chuck Norris uses Gentoo, “emerge kde” finishes in under a minute. A computer cannot afford to keep Chuck waiting for too long.

- > Chuck Norris is the greatest man in history. He killed all the great men who could ever pose a competition.

- > “My only boss is God. And Chuck Norris who is his boss.”

- > When Chuck Norris uses git, he takes a coffee break after initiating every git commit. And then he waits for the commit to finish.

  > - Here’s the context for this

- > Chuck Norris can make the statement “This statement is false.” a true one.

- > Chuck Norris can end world hunger, but he thinks that hungry people make humanity a more challenging adversary. If everyone had enough to eat, it would be too easy for him.

- > Chuck Norris writes understandable Perl code.

- > Chuck Norris can read Perl code that was RSA encrypted.

- > Chuck Norris once wrote a 10 million lines C++ program in Microsoft Notepad without having to use the backspace key. And it compiled without errors or warnings, and was 100% bug-free.

- > Chuck Norris has 50 years of proven experience in PHP/MySQL/Java. Each.

- > If the mountain will not come to Muhammad, then Muhammad will go to the mountain. If the mountain will not come to Chuck Norris, then the mountain will suffer Norris’s wrath for not complying with his whims.

- > Chuck Norris has 0 messages in his E-mail inbox. Including already read ones.

- > Chuck Norris was never a newbie! He will kill anyone who implies otherwise. In a very not newbie-like manner.

- > Only perl and Chuck Norris can parse Perl.

  > - /usr/bin/perl consults Chuck Norris about how to parse Perl.( Nadav Vinik )

- > All Chuck Norris has to do is look at Perl code and it interprets itself out of fear and respect. (DrForr)

- > Chuck Norris taught God how to create the universe.

- > Chuck Norris is the reason why the Knights who until Recently Said “Ni”, are no longer saying “Ni”.

- > Chuck Norris is not afraid of superstitions. Superstitions are afraid of Chuck Norris. (Via Dov Levenglick.)

- > Chuck Norris does expect the Spanish Inquisition.

- > The Spanish Inquisition does not expect Chuck Norris.

- > A wood chuck can’t chuck wood. Chuck Norris can chuck wood chucks.

- > If Chuck Norris asks you “What's up?” and you answer it literally, then he will club you senseless with all the volumes of the Oxford English Dictionary, and all the servers hosting en.wiktionary.org, to teach you a lesson.

- > Chuck Norris helps the gods that help themselves.

- > If Chuck Norris had been born before World War II, there would have been only one world war. However, there would have been three largescale Chuck Norris masacares of Nazis and Communists.

- > If the mountain does not come to Muhammad, then Chuck Norris will bring the mountain over.

- > An apple a day will keep Chuck Norris away. But not for long.

- > Reality to be conquered must be obeyed. You’d better obey Chuck Norris or he’ll conquer you.

- > Chuck Norris had a problem so he decided to use regular expressions. Now, all the World’s problems are solved.

- > A is A and A is not not-A — unless Chuck Norris says so.

- > Chuck Norris can make East and West meet.

- > When Chuck Norris orders Pizza, it arrives before he presses the OK button.

- > Chuck Norris does not need to heat up food. The food is already warm right after he took it out of the fridge.

- > Chuck’s idea of a short walk is to the Andromeda Galaxy and back.

- > Chuck Norris hasn't taken these facts down yet, so they must be true. (Cantide)

- > For every A, Chuck Norris is both A and not-A. Chuck Norris is fucking everything.

- > Tomorrow never dies, unless Chuck Norris volunteers to take it out of its misery.

- > God created the world in 6 days and rested on the 7th. Chuck Norris created the world in one day, and has been incrementally destroying it every day since, without rest.

- > Chuck Norris is always right. Even if he says that “A is not-A”, he would be right, because Logic is subject to his whims.

- > Chuck Norris does not own a dishwasher. His dishes know better than to become dirty.

- > The Angel of Death cannot keep up with Chuck Norris’s throughput of killing.

- > Computers are useless because they can only give you answers. Chuck Norris is not useless, because he knows the questions which these answers belong to.

- > Chuck Norris is Vito Corleone’s godfather. (ZadYree)

- > Chuck Norris will kill everyone who has not read these factoids. Slowly and painfully.

- > Chuck Norris could have built the Roman Empire in a day. And it would have taken him even less time to destroy it.

- > Chuck Norris once counted all the real numbers on his fingers. (ZadYree)

- > Only two things are infinite: the universe, and Chuck Norris’s destruction ability. And we cannot be sure about the former thanks to the latter.

- > Chuck Norris knows who John Galt is.

- > Chuck Norris won the Nobel Peace Prize. For making millions of people rest in peace.

- > God is Chuck Norris, for extremely large values of God.

- > Chuck Norris can become root on OpenBSD. By using nothing but /bin/echo. (ZadYree and Shlomi Fish).

- > Chuck Norris is the reason why OpenBSD is called OpenBSD. They wanted to call it LockedDownBSD but couldn't find a way to keep Chuck Norris out! (Andrew Brehm)

- > For all you know, you may not exist, and Chuck Norris convinced you that you do.

- > Chuck Norris wrote an interpreter for a Turing-complete language using only NOPs.

- > Chuck Norris does not keep any numbers on his mobile phone’s address book. Instead, he memorised the entire phone directory.

- > When Chuck Norris drops a cat, it falls on its back so it won’t lose eye contact with Chuck.

  > - If Chuck Norris had dropped his toasts, they would have fallen on the dry side, so they would have stayed on his good side. But Chuck Norris never drops toasts. (ZadYree and Shlomi Fish).

- > Chuck Norris can solve MS Freecell deal No. 11,982. With Zero Freecells.

- > Chuck Norris once solved 100 million deals of Freecell in a minute. By hand.

- > After Chuck Norris said “I don’t believe in fairies.”, fairies have become extinct.

- > Chuck Norris caught the early bird before she caught the worm.

- > Chuck Norris can make one baby in a month using nine mothers.

- > Chuck Norris helps God help those that help themselves.

- > God ties Chuck Norris’ camel. (Inspired by a conversation with ZadYree).

  > - Here’s the context for this.

- > Chuck Norris can convince everyone that the colour of the bikeshed should be his favourite colour.

- > Chuck Norris finished building the bike-shed by the time people stopped arguing what its colour should be.

- > Chuck Norris’ E-mails are signed with “Sent using Chuck Norris’ brain (which he can also kill you using it).”.

- > When Chuck Norris receives an E-mail signed “Sent from my iPhone”, he makes sure that iPhone won’t be able to send any more E-mails — to Norris or otherwise.

- > Chuck Norris wrote a program in Python that was easier to understand after being encrypted with RSA.

- > When Chuck Norris disses your product, it’s not good publicity, even though you can bet he’ll get the name right.

- > Chuck Norris knows if you’re a dog on the Internet.

  > - Here’s the context for this.

- > Chuck Norris was the 1,000,000,000th viewer of the Gangnam Style video on YouTube.

- > Chuck Norris used these facts to his advantage, making a huge comeback. He didn’t get mad — he got even!

- > Chuck Norris has 99 problems including a bitch.

- > If Chuck Norris travelled to the market with his son and his donkey, he would have clubbed the critics to death. With the donkey.

- > Roses are red, violets are blue, something something Chuck Norris, now they are red too. (Rounin)

- > Chuck Norris can construct any logical expression using only AND gates.

- > Chuck Norris can neither confirm nor deny that he was the Alpha Male. But he’ll kill you if you say he wasn't.

- > Chuck Norris does not boil up water. If he wants, his ice cubes boil water, instead of making it cooler.

- > Chuck Norris wrote the entire tvtropes.org wiki, so he can sleep with your significant other while you are distracted reading it.

- > Chuck norris can edit Wikipedia super protected pages. Anonymously. (ponie)

- > Reality to be commanded must be obeyed. Chuck Norris disobeyed reality, and now he commands it.

- > “Talk Like a Pirate Day” is the only day of the year when Chuck Norris only talks like a pirate, and does not actually act like one.

- > On Yom Kippur (= the Jewish Day of Atonement), Chuck Norris forgives God for his sins.

- > Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate holidays -- holidays celebrate Chuck Norris. (sevvie)

### Clarissa Darling Facts

- > Clarissa Darling can start from “I think therefore I am” and prove that the grass is green, that there are about 365 days in a year, and that Isaac Newton formulated the Law of Gravitation back in 1687.

- > Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorem is about to be replaced by the Darling “Like, Totally!” Completeness Theorem.

- > Clarissa Darling will win over Chuck Norris in a battle of wits.

### Emma Watson Facts

- > Playing Hermione in the Harry Potter films was a dirty job, but Emma Watson got a shitload of money and worldwide recognition for doing it.

- > Emma Watson is not acting in films for money. She is acting in films for a shitload of money.

- > If the miller had travelled to the market with Emma, they would have each rode their own donkey. Problem solved.

  > ( See the Wikipedia page about the fable for the context. )

- > Emma Watson is not perfect, but she's really good at hiding her imperfections.

- > Emma Watson may not look too menacing with a wand in her hand. Until she uses it with great accuracy to poke both your eyes out.

- > If the mountain does not come to Emma Watson, she won’t bother visiting it. It would be the mountain’s loss, really.

- > Emma Watson does not have 10 years of experience in developing Enterprise Java software. However, she has over 10 years of experience in getting shit done - well, on schedule, and at a reasonable cost.

- > Fluttershy immediately stops crying when Emma Watson comes to visit her.

- > Emma Watson and you would make the best children. She'll provide the talent, good looks, and brains, while you provide the sperm. (Via Connor Pollock.)

### “In Soviet Russia” Aphorisms

- > In Soviet Russia, cats own you. No, wait! Cats own you everywhere.

- > In Soviet Russia, superstition believe in you. (Sawyer X)

- > In Soviet Russia, joke is tired of you. (apeiron)

- > In Soviet Russia, XSLT codes you. Badly!

- > In Soviet Russia, food tastes YOU! (Leuthihi)

- > In Soviet Russia, government is afraid of you!

- > In Soviet Russia, meme uses You! (Volis)

- > In Soviet Russia, left keeps you. Always. (Volis)

- > In Soviet Russia, every time you kill a kitten, god masturbates. (GyroTech)

- > In Soviet Russia, garbage collects you. (mucker)

### Why Knuth is Not God

- > Knuth is not God! It took him two days to build the Roman Empire.

- > Knuth is not God! God has already released TeX version 4.0.

- > Knuth is not God! Google is not God! RMS is not God!

  > God himself said that was the case.

- > Knuth is not God! Typing “god” into the Google search box and hitting “I’m feeling lucky” won’t lead you to his homepage.

- > Knuth is not God! Unless you confuse him with Dijkstra.

### Larry Wall Facts

- > Larry Wall can understand the Perl code he wrote last year.

- > Larry Wall gets the colon.

- > There are at least 137 Larry Walls in the U.S., but only one that matters.

- > Larry Wall applies a patch manually quicker than GNU patch.

- > Larry Wall dreams in Perl.

- > Larry Wall can program in his sleep.

- > Larry Wall is lazy, impatient, and full of hubris.

- > Larry Wall has more dollars in the bank than in his Perl code.

- > Larry Wall does know all of Perl. However, he pretends to be wrong or misinformed, so people will think he’s not as awesome as he really is.

- > Larry Wall’s pure-Perl code is faster than Assembly.

- > Larry Wall has been changing the world. By modifying its very source code.

- > Larry Wall can make shit up, and the computer will understand what he means.

- > Larry Wall gets the colon.

- > There are at least 137 Larry Walls in the U.S., but only one that matters.

- > Larry Wall applies a patch manually quicker than GNU patch.

- > Larry Wall dreams in Perl.

- > Larry Wall can program in his sleep.

- > Larry Wall is lazy, impatient, and full of hubris.

- > Larry Wall has more dollars in the bank than in his Perl code.

- > Larry Wall does know all of Perl. However, he pretends to be wrong or misinformed, so people will think he’s not as awesome as he really is.

- > Larry Wall’s pure-Perl code is faster than Assembly.

- > Larry Wall has been changing the world. By modifying its very source code.

- > Larry Wall can make shit up, and the computer will understand what he means.

### NSA Facts

- > The NSA don’t publish. They perish.

- > The NSA employs the largest number of mathematicians with Ph.Ds. And the most stupid and incompetent ones.

- > The NSA has a patent for an efficient process for collecting a lot of information and doing nothing with it.

- > The Bajoran scholars have positively identified Benjamin Sisko as The Emissary. They also positively identified the NSA headquarters as The Dungeon.

- > One of Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s episodes took place in the NSA headquarters, but had to be destroyed, because all of the test audience had uncontrollable panic attacks.

- > The NSA knows what you did last summer. But no one, in the NSA or outside it, knows why they should.

- > The more the NSA think, the less they want to be able to think. So they think less and less.

- > With the NSA’s budget you would expect evil to be extinct by now. (Kika)

- > Think of the most incompetent organisation possible. The NSA would be more even more incompetent than that.

- > The NSA headquarters are the unhappiest place on Earth.

- > Yogurt: “Never overestimate the power of the NSA.”

- > First the NSA ignores “silly” Internet memes, then they laugh at them, then they are unable to fight them, and then they lose.

- > The NSA is an intelligence agency which thinks it can use Artificial Ultra-Stupidity (AUS) to wade through tons of irrelevant information and reach genuine understanding.

- > Your next job after one in @NSACareers, will be as a dead corpse in a coffin, 6 feet underground, or as a patient in a psychiatric ward.

- > Hackers bend the rules, so the NSA hates them. Instead, the NSA accumulates rules, observes them, and accepts their fate: death.

- > No one in their right mind will want to work for the NSA. Fortunately for the NSA, and unfortunately for us, some people are not in their right mind.

### Summer Glau Facts

- > Chuck Norris can only convince you that you're deceased. Summer Glau can also convince you that you're alive, which is much harder.

- > Summer Glau can hold and use a gun in each hand. There's no way that Jennifer Lawrence can hold and use a bow in each hand.

- > Summer Glau does not have to hurt you if she doesn't want to . Chuck Norris kills everyone in sight.

- > Summer Glau has better ways to make a difference than by being violent.

- > It takes Summer Glau exactly a minute to write a rebuttal like in xkcd: “Venting”, and she would sign it as Chuck Norris.

- > Chuck Norris ability to destroy is only matched (and exceeded) by Summer Glau’s ability to undo his destruction.

- > Whatever Chuck Norris taketh, Summer Glau giveth back.

- > Summer Glau can lead a horse to water, and then it will drink out of its own volition.

- > Chuck Norris was the 1,000,000,000th viewer of the Gangnam Style video on YouTube. Summer Glau was the preceding 100 million views.

- > Summer Glau can restore the people that Chuck killed, back to life.

- > Summer Glau can give you the Hug of Death, but you’ll die happy.

- > When it comes to terminators, you have a better shot at Arnold Schwarzenegger than at Summer Glau. (By inspiration from the Big Bang Theory episode with Glau as herself.)

- > Chuck Norris has 99 problems including a bitch. Summer Glau has exactly 98 problems.

- > Chuck Norris can construct any logical expression using only AND gates. Summer Glau can replace Chuck with a very small AND gate.

- > Who would win in a fight? Charlemagne, Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin or Carlos "Chuck" Norris? If Summer Glau was the arbiter, she would just kill all of them and declare herself the winner.

- > Chuck Norris round house kicks doors open instead of using their keys. Summer Glau makes sure doors are open using her mind.

- > Chuck Norris reinvented a better wheel. Summer Glau reinvented a better Chuck Norris.

- > Summer Glau just works here. She teaches Chuck Norris how to perform his chores in the best possible manner.

- > Summer Glau has a magic mirror in her room which she asks every day "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the awesomest of them all?" and if the mirror tells her something else, she destroys it for daring to lie to her.

  > She’s still using the first mirror.

- > Chuck Norris shot the sheriff and his deputy. Summer Glau became the new sheriff and shot Chuck Norris.

- > Summer Glau can kill you with her mind. But she’ll never need to or will.

- > Chuck Norris does expect the Spanish Inquisition. But he doesn’t expect Summer Glau.

- > When wishing to comment on a WordPress blog, Summer Glau finds a new zero-day WordPress SQL injection exploit, and uses it to insert the comment into the database directly, because even she cannot rely on its comment box to work.

- > On “Talk Like a Pirate Day”, ye be sailin’ across the great seas to seek the shore of Summer Glows and Summer Glaus. Arrrr!

### Xena (the Warrior Princess) Facts

- > Xena can meet King David for breakfast and Julius Caesar for lunch. Without time travel.

- > Xena beat a Goliath that was taller, and more agile than the one in the Bible. It’s not only Hollywood exaggeration.

- > No one calls Xena the warrior princess “Zeena” to her face and survives. Luckily for you she hasn’t visited modern-day U.S. yet.

- > Xena can throw a boomerang-like weapon thingy in the opposite direction and it will still hit the mark while neutralising 10 of her enemies.

- > Xena the Warrior Princess has not met Chuck Norris yet, or otherwise he would have been badly and permanently injured. (Inspired by ZadYree).

### XSLT Facts

- > XSLT is the work of Satan.

- > XSLT is the worst thing since non-sliced bread.

- > Mothers used to tell their children stories about XSLT to scare them.

- > XSLT is the number one cause of programmers’ suicides since Visual Basic 1.0.

- > The X in XSLT stands for eXtermination.

- > XSLT makes the baby Jesus cry.

- > The only things worse than XSLT are Excel and Sugar-Less Tea (XSLT).

- > XSLT is what Chuck Norris has nightmares of.

- > Confucius says: “XSLT made me realise humanity was hopeless.”

- > Even APL won’t make friends with XSLT. (Zuu)

- > God considered using XSLT as the tenth plague of Egypt, but then thought it was too evil.

- > In Soviet Russia, XSLT codes you. Badly!

- > Satan condemned Hitler for a million years of writing XSLT.

- > The KGB used to torture their victims by having them look at scrolling XSLT code.

- > “My name is Inigo Montoya. You forced my father to write XSLT. Prepare to die! And be thankful I don’t force you to write XSLT.”

- > Stray XSLT code causes more deaths than road accidents.

- > http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evil redirects to XSLT.

- > We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Fear has nothing to fear but XSLT.

- > Staring at XSLT code for one minute has a 67% chance of making one permanently blind.

- > The devil created a 10th circle of hell for the inventors of XSLT, because the first nine circles were too mild for them.

- > XSLT isn't like violence. XSLT is violence - there is no such thing as using it too little.